Sometimes I feel as if I’ve entered an intergalactic worm-hole or was transported into a different life. My life used to be filled with studying, meetings, and taking care of people I love. The last 8 weeks have been a blur of procedures, scans, surgery, radiation, and appointments.
As I laid on the gurney today for my radiation treatment, I was in a funk. The red light flashed, the constant beep, beep, beep of radiation sounded, all the while “soothing” piano musak played in the background, and I really wondered about that intergalactic wormhole. This wasn’t the life I had planned. One too many receptionists had called and said Dr so and so wants to see you in 3 hrs. I tried to counter with I already have two appointments today, could we make this one nearer either of them, so that I don’t have to make an extra trip? When this was an impossibility, I just got cranky and my mind raced.
Yet the words that kept coming to me were: “Be still, and know that I am God.” I thought to myself I’m doing the best that I can here. I’m not running, because part of me did want to jerk the connectors off my body and run. What if this radiation was my kryptonite? Although I was physically still, emotionally my mind was running a mile a minute.
I went home and had lunch and then went back to see the doctor who had forced me into a third trip for the day, Dr. Patel. Before this appointment, I hadn’t heard of her, didn’t know anything about her including that she was female. She was wonderful, reassuring, and positive. She told me that I take some magic pills (hormone therapy—to block estrogen and progesterone) and that I was going to be fine.
One more time I realized that God was taking care of me in the midst of the chaos. In the midst of what seemed like firing photon torpedoes and a surrender to cancer. I’ve been given the gift of the exact right doctors every step of the way--doctors with the right skill sets and the right personalities to tend to me. Sometimes I think God needs me to be still and listen. Sometimes I think God just needs me to be still and trust. I have a ways to go on the stillness, but I know that God is God.